You Just Don't Understand - Book Review

Book Paper

The book You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation by Deborah Tannen takes an interesting look at the reasons why males and females can leave a conversation with entirely different views about what was said. Men believe that conversations are used for negotiating to achieve social status in a hierarchy of social order. Women use conversing as a way to connect and become close. These specific needs cause differences and conflict between the sexes. Tannen's writing allows the sexes to learn how to communicate successfully by recognizing and understanding their differences. This information can improve relationships at home and at the office. Several examples are used from research that Tannen has collected from literature, films, family, friends, and students. In this paper I will touch on a few components of the book.

A "message" (p.32) is the obvious meaning of communication. A "metamessage" (p.32) is what was conveyed, as opposed to what was actually said. It contains information about the relationship of the people involved and their attitude. This includes the implied meanings that are attached to the actual words. Tannen (2007) provides the following as an example of her term "metamessage" (p. 32). A woman offers to help a man. That man may interpret that the woman thinks that she is more capable than him. "Metamessages" (p.32) frame a conversation. "Metamessages let you know how to interpret what someone is saying by identifying the activity that is going on: is this an argument or a chat? Is it helping, advising, or scolding?" (p. 33). "Metamessages" (p.32) let individuals know what position the speaker is going to take in a conversation. For instance, an individual speaks to another like they are their teacher. The person with a teaching conversation style could be interpreted as being arrogant. Whereas, someone that talks as if they are a student, while chatting with others, may be perceived as insecure or unskilled (Tannen, 2007).

An individual's reaction is often caused by how the persons feels they are being framed in the situation. A protective gesture from a man suggests the traditional view that men are supposed to protect women. It is also believed that women are supposed to protect children. When a woman offers a protective gesture toward a man, he may feel as if he is being treated like a child. For example, a woman suddenly brakes her car. As a reaction she extends her arm over the male passenger to protect him. The man may become annoyed and feel like he the woman is treating him like a child (Tannen, 2007).

When women share an emotional situation with each other they are usually sympathetic to each other. When men are approached with an emotional conversation they give suggestions for a solution to a problem. Tannen (2007) uses an example of a woman that undergoes surgery to remove a lump from her breast. She talks with her sister and girlfriend about her feelings. The woman finds it troubling, knowing that she had surgery.has been cut into. Looking at the scar is stressful to her because it has changed the shape of her breast. She is comforted by the women in her life when discussing her feelings. However, when she shares her outlook with her husband he suggests that she have plastic surgery to restructure her breast. She feels that her husband is asking her to have more surgery. This makes her angry. The husband states that he does not care about the way that it looks when she confronts him about his response. He assumes that she is bothered by the scar; therefore, he offers her a simple solution. This is a perfect example of how men take the role of the problem solver when women merely need approval for their feelings (Tannen, 2007).

Women enjoy talking about their troubles. Females become annoyed when males do not express their problems and concerns to them. Men are often irritated when women talk about their troubles. When women discuss issues at work or with friends the topic is typically not the central theme. The "metamessage" (p.32) is what is most important. Speaking about a problem is a proposition for an expression of understanding or a similar complaint. When women do not get the reinforcement they crave, they may become frustrated and feel distanced by the man's advice. Mutual understanding is symmetrical. Symmetry adds to the sense of unity that women are searching for. Giving advice is asymmetrical. It frames the person that is giving the advice as being more knowledgeable. Men like to appear more knowledgeable. Tannen (2007) uses a common situation between men and women to explain her theory. A man decides to open up and talk about something that is bothering him. His wife's response to him is, "I know how you feel" and "I feel the same way." The man feels that his wife is denying him of his individuality (Tannen, 2007).

Women's conversations are predominately