Dear John,

February 14, 2012

Dear John,

Thank you for sharing your wonderful story with me. I really enjoyed the story and believe you have great potential.

Per our phone conversation, you are correct in enhancing Angelica's emotions early on. I would also recommend better transitions when switching from one thought to another. I made note of a few that I thought were awkward.

Overall the narration style is weak and leaves the reader distant from the story. I would prefer more quotes and allow the characters to "talk". Don't narrate in third person so much...basically don't just tell us the story, allow the reader to experience it. This is evident through out the story, but more so in the beginning.

In addition, your reflection and enlightenment would be better incorporated within the story lines... for example, we didn't know how much Miss Carey influenced Angelica except when we hear about her needlepoint lessons as she explains to her son. And in the end when the author tells the reader. Leave the reader to reflect on what Barbara and Angelica gained from their experiences and applied them...

I hope this makes sense. I wish you the best of luck, unfortunately I cannot commit to helping with my current obligations. I would not have the time or dedication necessary to devote the this.

I encourage you to seek out resources to help with rewrite. There are many resources available online and some are very reasonable. Call me if you have any further questions.

Sincerely,