Holden Caulfield's View of the World

Everywhere I turn, I'm faced with depression, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm tired of feeling this way; so lonely and distant. I have no one to share my interests with, no one to spend quality time with, and no one to love. It really hurts to be in a situation like this. Heck, it hurts to have such a dreadful life like this, not knowing what or where I'll be the next day. It all becomes so tiresome. Allie would have said, "Holden, you know you're the best and I'm here for you". He always knew how to make me feel better, may his soul rest in peace. That boy was a part of me, you know. It still hurts me to know that I can't turn to him just to say "I love you". I never did accept his death. It's just too much for me, let alone for anyone else, to handle. I'm thinking of going back to my old ways, smoking and drinking... it did ease my mind a bit but, when that wore off, I knew I had to face reality and I never was good at that. Boy, I'm just a miserable person. I have no direction in life; I've become a disappointment to my parents and everyone around me, getting kicked out of Pencey Prep. Maybe it's the best for me, just to relax a bit, but I know it can't be like that. Somehow, so much is expected of me and I just don't know what to do anymore, or how to please anyone. I think its time for me to focus on myself, well actually only myself because there really isn't anyone else in my life that I care about, or at least none that care about me. I get a real kick out of being in my own world. I just sit back and think of what could have been; like what if Allie didn't die, what would happen now or, what if I hadn't been expelled or what if I took a chance with Jane or, what if I slept with Sunny. So many questions and thoughts wander my mind; some are just aching to become something real, more than just a figment of my imagination. I don't know whether or not I should go home, I've been staying in this hotel, and since then, things have had a peculiar occurrence. Dammit, I just wish things wouldn't have to be this way. Can't I just go home to my mother and father and Allie? What have I done to this deserve this? I live a life in which I don't know what happiness is, I mope around and I'm just good for nothing. It takes a lot of bull for someone to bring themselves to this. But you know what, things happen and you just have to deal with it. It's a cold world out there; you're on your own. It's time for a change Holden, and it starts now.