How to Charm a Woman

Carson Ridenhour

Mrs. Vitale, Period 2

"How to Charm a Woman" Instructions

13 May 2011

How to Charm a Woman

(These instructions are intended for men who, lacking any semblance of an intelligent comprehension of the female psyche, have turned to the written word with misplaced hopes of finding step-by-step instructions about the proper way to enthrall a member of the opposite sex.)

Materials include, but are not limited to: Confidence, Charm, Cooking ability, other words starting with a "C" (such as chicken [for cooking], cerulean earrings [for giving], Costco membership [for buying previous materials], etc...), and a woman.

Note: Excess materials may be required on an individual basis; improvisation and ingenuity are suggested as supplemental materials for adaptation of instructions.

Procedural information has been separated into sequential sections for ease of application.

Finding the Right Woman

1) Purchase 6-DVD set for the low, low price of $19.99 (plus shipping and handling) with Costco membership "Secrets from Tibet: Introspection for the Common Man" to learn the art of meditation.

2) Use introspection to reconcile previous mistakes, as well as discover character flaws that have interfered with past relationships. (This part may use more time than allotted; expect to find repressed memories from childhood that explain chauvinistic behavioral patterns.)

3) As reformed Renaissance man (like the great Leonardo De Vinci [read in Italian accent]), re-enter the social world with enlightened appreciation of others.

4) When searching for the right woman, do not only look for attractive looks (no, beautiful women will not always find a beer belly a sign of enhanced virility, nor will they crave the feeling of engine oil and bacon grease when holding hands), but instead try to strike up conversation based upon shared interests (do not employ "What's your favorite NASCAR driver?") and listen when she responds.

5) Strike up a friendship with desired woman, nurture friendship and build trust, and then move on to Part Two.

Asking the Right Woman

1) After building solid foundations with trust, affection, and friendship, the Right Woman must be courted in an appropriate manner, but it is the man's duty to initiate such a transition.

a) Use previous knowledge of her likes and dislikes to structure an appropriately romantic atmosphere to ask her out (if Ingenuity is present, this is the time to use it). Warning: Less is sometimes more, do not ignore her personality and ask a shy girl out on the sidelines of a Lakers game because you wanted to see the players from ten feet away, a picnic might work better (plus you can't buy Lakers tickets with a Costco membership!)

2) Establish sphere of interaction, most woman do not feel comfortable with a man who knows where she is at every second of every day, nor do they wish to immediately get hitched and live in the kitchen (Yes, the 1920s did in fact happen, the Suffragist movement was not a fairy tale, nor was the 19th Amendment a fictional piece of legislature).