Losing My Virginity and How It Changed Me

Kali Henderson

R. Raniere

English Comp 101

23 October 2017

Losing My Virginity and How It Changed Me

        Growing up as a Christian, I am held to higher standards by myself, my parents, and God. I am not supposed to condone certain activities, such as smoking, drinking, and indulging in sexual activities. My family actively participates in church. My father is a minister and my mother is an usher. My brother works with the audiovisual team, and I am a member of the praise team and dance team. My struggle is accepting my parents, mainly my father, making choices for me.  I have never been to a friend’s sleepover or birthday party unless they were from my church, I have never gone trick-or-treating, and I have never had a boyfriend. I had always felt insecure, because I never got to do the things I thought a normal child would do. My father would not allow me to wear certain clothes I liked or go certain places I wanted to go. I felt trapped. It felt as if they were using my life to make up for their past mistakes. They would never let me experience things for myself, just tell me why I was not allowed to do it. This caused years of rebellion and ultimately led to the loss of my virginity.

        I am a known to be a flirt. I flirt with almost everyone, but it does not always mean I am attracted to them. In this case however, I was attracted to him. It was early September and school had been in session for a while. There was a new student who many people were talking about. He was from New York. Within a week, he knew all my friends, yet I barely knew him. He was a grade younger than me. He was tall, light skinned, and charming. His accent really drew me in. I would harmlessly flirt with him when we were together with our friends, over the months, but things did not progress until I added him on Snapchat mid-December. We stopped talking in person but would flirt on Snapchat. We never really got to know each other beyond surface level. I am not even sure he knew how to pronounce my name. We went from snapping to texting. We would joke around about meeting up and “chilling,” but I knew what he really meant. We fell off around the beginning of February. I turned eighteen on February 27, 2017. I went out to dinner with one of my close friends, but nothing felt different. I did not feel like a new person, or like I had some sort of wisdom that the television shows would portray. I did not feel that sense of freedom, but I wanted to.

        I became more aware of what I wanted in life. I realized that I had to make my own choices and decisions. During the next week or so, I bumped into him, we made eye contact, and I walked away. That Saturday, he messages me on Snapchat and we caught up. He said that I should come over soon and I thought, “Why not?” Monday, March 13, 2017, after school, I lost my virginity. When I made the decision to go over his house, it was suggested that we might get physical with one another. I did not go with the sole intention to lose my virginity, yet I did. After I had given him my virginity, I felt disgusting and cheap. It was like this was casual for him. He reacted to the moment with such a nonchalance, it left me shocked. The gravity of the situation did not come into full effect, until sometime after. I had thought this was what I wanted, but it was not. Over the next few days, I saw him with a different set of eyes, I was not blinded by his looks or his accent. I saw that he liked to flirt with many girls and heard him speak of laying with them.  I did not get mad, for he was not mine. I felt upset in the fact that I let him take something from me. I was raised learning it was important to wait till marriage. Sex was supposed to be something special between you and someone you deeply care about. It was not meant to be casual. I forgave myself and got back in touch with my Christian values. I declined his offers and attempts to be with me again and rather focused on myself and God.