The Cost of Saying No

Yesterday I was hustling to the subway at Columbus Circle and I walked past a middle-aged woman with a young boy. She exhaustedly asked "Ma'am, can you help us out?" I did those lightning calculations I always do -- money's-tight-I'm-counting-pennies-I-can't-save-everyone-she's-putting-on-an-act-probably-wants-it-for-booze/drugs... all in the space of a single step as I walked by her murmuring, "Sorry, ma'am" without really looking at her, going through the final calculation of hey-at-least-I-acknowledged-her-politely-I'm-not-a-heartless-creep.... Then two steps on I stopped in my tracks. WAIT A MINUTE!!!! This woman had her child with her. Her face could not have been clearer -- she was tired and discouraged -- this was a mother who needed help! And yes, I'm a mom, and yes, her boy looked to be exactly the same age as mine. And yes, times are such that I've imagined myself in her shoes once or twice...

I turned around and found her. I had to drop my backpack to dig through my junk for a crumpled $10 -- as I did she told me she had walked from 91st steet, where someone who was supposed to give her some money had stood her up. She said, "I'm tired of begging. I'm just trying to get $40 so I can buy some Pampers and food." The boy nodded vigorously, supporting his mom, as if to say, really-lady-she's-telling-the-truth-believe-her. She wasn't pathetic, she wasn't scamming me, she was just another person trying to buy the shit we all need. I gave her the $10 and she thanked me.

But as I walked back up towards the subway, I thought "What if I gave her the whole $40? What if she could just go home with her kid and get what she needed?" The calculations started; "$30-more-you're-counting-pennies-that's-too-much-you-need-it-you-can't-save-everyone..." Screw it. I went into an ice cream shop with an ATM, got out 40 bucks; "Break-the-20-you-need-SOME-money-she-said-she-needs-40-that-would-be-50..." So I got a small ice cream in a cup to break the 20 so I could give her the "right" amount. Hell, I'm a good person, I deserve an ice cream...

I booked down the street to find her and her son. Several blocks on, there they were, walking slowly, arm-in-arm. As I came up behind them, she turned, saw me and recognized me. I said, "If you get 40 bucks, can you go home?" She said with surprise, "We are going home." I said, "Did you get it?" She said, "No, we didn't get it." I pushed the $30 into her hand and said, "Now you got it." Her little boy said, "What's your name?" I told him. He threw his arms around me, kissed me and said "I love you." I looked at the bag in my hand. I said "Kiddo, do you like ice cream?" His face lit up and he nodded. I gave him the bag. "Here."