Conflict Resolution

The relationship between communication and communication climates is very important. The type of communication that you use will determine if you foster a defensive or a supportive climate. An effective communication climate is supported by the use of the following conflict resolution skills:

1. Attend to the Relationship Level of Meaning: Conflict situations involve both the content level meaning and the relationship level of meaning (Wood, 2010). It is important to not only listen to the content meaning, but also the relationship-level messages and meanings.

2. Communicate Supportively: We must monitor communication to ensure that it encourages a supportive climate that is likely to build a win-win approach. We must also be mindful of the kinds of communication that generate defensive climates. Defensiveness reduces the possibilities for resolving conflicts and sustaining relationships.

3. Listen Mindfully: Listening mindfully is especially important during conflict because it allows you to consider the other person's ideas or criticisms of our ideas.

4. Take Responsibility for Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Issues: It is important to own your feelings by using "I" language rather than "You" language.

5. Check Perceptions: Because perceptions are easily distorted during a conflict, you can check your perceptions through paraphrasing and asking direct questions. Paraphrasing and asking questions say, "You matter to me. I'm trying to understand you" (Wood, 2010).

6. Look for Points of Agreement: Common ground may help you work out a resolution to the conflict effectively without harming the relationship.

7. Look for Ways to Preserve the Other's Face: Your face is the image of yourself that you want others to see and believe. If your point or idea is accepted in an argument, be gracious toward the other person. This will allow the person who may have lost the argument to retain dignity and save face.

8. Imagine How You'll Feel in the Future: Taking a moment to imagine yourself after the conflict ends can help you choose to communicate in ways that are ethical, that foster self-respect and that support the continuation of the relationship.

The following conversation between Ken and Jan is an example of ineffective conflict resolution.

Ken: "Jan, we need to talk. Why'd you tell Shannon about what happened between Katie and me? Now Shannon doesn't want to talk to me". [Ken began the conversation with "you" language and did not take ownership of his feelings. He may have also misidentified what he was feeling. Was he truly angry or was he hurt? Maybe he was afraid that he would lose his relationship with Shannon.]

Effective Response:

Ken: "I felt hurt and angry that you told Shannon about what happened between Katie and me". [Ken is using "I" language which allows him to maintain ownership of his feelings and to address the issue without attacking Jan as a person.]

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Jan: "Ken, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to tell her. It just kind of slipped out when we were talking". [Even though Jan apologizes, her explanation minimizes the impact of her actions. She failed to listen mindfully and to demonstrate an understanding of the underlying emotions that Ken is trying to express.]

Effective Response:

Jan: "Ken, I hear that you feel hurt and betrayed because I told Shannon too much. Is that correct? If so, I am very sorry." [Jan is using paraphrasing in order to check her perceptions. This will enable her to understand the relationship-level meaning underlying Ken's previous statements. By offering a meaningful apology, she is also confirming Ken by acknowledging his feelings.]

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Ken: "Sorry? Sorry is not enough. I told you that in private, and you promised that you'd keep it just between you and me". [Ken is not communicating supportively and he fails to help Jan save face following her apology.]

Effective Response:

Ken: "I feel betrayed because I thought that we had agreed to keep that information between you and me". [Ken is clarifying his feelings and he is maintaining ownership of his feelings.]

Jan: "Ken, I told her that long before the two of you started dating. You know, Shannon and I, we've been friends for a long time. We were just talking about guys and cheating stuff. It wasn't even about you specifically". [Jan fails to demonstrate an understanding of Ken's feelings. She violated Ken's trust by disclosing information that she promised to keep to herself. It was inappropriate for her to divulge this information to another person regardless of the situation and she refuses to take responsibility for her actions.]

Effective Response:

Jan: