Halal Dating: An Oxymoron?

Ramy Rashad

Professor Megan Reid

27 February 2012

Halal Dating: an Oxymoron?

"Everyone will be with those whom he loves."  These are not words from one of Shakespeare’s romantic tragedies, but rather words of the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him. The Prophet was a strong advocate of love and compassion, two human virtues that have seemed to drastically change and disappear over the years.  Is it still possible that the love established by the Prophet and his companions is the same love that brought together Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries?  To many Muslim scholars, the answer is no, since to them true love is lost in today’s materialistic society, especially through the form of dating.  Dating was once a relationship between two individuals whom are exploring their chances with one another usually as a precursor for marriage, and whom might or might not be involved in sexual engagements. Dating now has become for many a means to please personal desires and attain personal entertainment.  The inability to distinguish between these two forms of dating has taken a negative toll on young individuals and has especially scarred the Muslim community.  Although contemporary Muslims scholars and jurists possess the authority to deem an action or inaction halal (permissible) or haram (not permissible), in my opinion, they cannot forego itjtihad, a personal right granted to every Muslim. It is crucial to understand that dating is not by any means always a manipulative and dangerous courtship.  Dating with the right intentions as well as through the right means can be seen as appositive step towards a couple’s future as well as a basic foundation through which true love can flourish.  A closer examination of Islamic legal texts, the Hadith in particular, can lead to the general settlement that proper dating is permissible and halal.    

A quick glance at many hadiths can lead to the conclusion that dating in Islam is unacceptable and not tolerated.  As reported by Ibn Abbas, the prophet’s paternal cousin, the prophet had once said: “No person should be alone with a woman except when there is a mahram with her, and the woman should not undertake journey except with a mahram."  A “mahram” is the Arabic word for an unmarriageable kin, usually an immediate family member, with whom sexual intercourse is absolutely forbidden.  According to this hadith, a female is not allowed to be in the presence of a male alone without an accompanying mahram. Through these words, one is able to infer that this hadith emerged out of fear of a woman letting her emotions override her actions, which could possibly lead to haram: pre-marital intercourse.  Needless to say, this hadith simply takes a more conservative approach to developing a standard for social interactions between members of the opposite sex, solely as a measure to prevent fornication prior to marriage.  Nevertheless, is true dating possible without any privacy?  Does this mean that a dating couple driving to a restaurant for dinner is committing haram since there is no mahram?  Is it really haram to conduct an interview with an employee of the opposite gender in an office?  These are some of the basic questions that have plagued the Muslim community and Muslim scholars today.    

Another hadith found in the Bukhari collection states that the Prophet “ordered that an unmarried man who committed illegal sexual intercourse be scourged one hundred lashes and sent into exile for one year.”  It is clear and incontestable that pre-marital sex is absolutely prohibited in Islam; however, does dating necessarily imply sex? Unfortunately, dating is sometimes seen as a “hit and run” occurrence or a short –term pleasure which is not reciprocated in a long-term commitment.  To many others, dating is simply a way of getting to know an individual before having to commit to that person for the rest of their lives. Two indivudals can get to know more about each other in the presence of other people, without the need for any sexual or physical contact.  Dating in this instance cannot be seen as prohibited since it does not go against any of the moral or ethical codes established in the Quran or Sunnah of the Prophet.

Another hadith used by many imams and muftis as a rejection of dating as a methodology can be seen in a report given by Ibn Umar: “During the lifetime of the Prophet we used to avoid chatting leisurely and freely with our wives lest some Divine inspiration might be revealed concerning us. But when the Prophet had died, we started chatting leisurely and freely (with them).” The fact that close relatives of the prophet fell insecure talking to their own wives in public can be seen as a gauge for measuring social interactions at the time of the prophet.  The very fact that talking to one’s wife in public was not seen as a norm during the prophet’s lifetime really puts the issue of dating out of the question for many. Nonetheless, can this hadith be put into practice thousands of years after the prophet’s death?  In a society where human communication and interaction is crucial to success and understanding, is it feasible to maintain such strict social standards? If so, how is dating plausible? However, the hadith continues on and states that after the prophet’s death, public communication between husband and wife is once again established.  Is the time period immediate after the Prophet’s passing, as represented in this hadith, symbolic for the future as a whole?  If so, the question arises then how are young Muslim men and women able to get to know of another prior to marriage?  Dating is a relatively short-term process used by many as a litmus test for assessing one’s emotion and physical attachment to someone else.  Stripping away this privilege can potentially lead to greater harm for both parties involved, through unfortunate events such as divorce or abusive relationships initiated through forced, arranged marriages.

        Unfortunately, even though arranged marriages are neither forced nor endorsed in Islam, many countries till today remain full advocates of the idea.  Despite the numerous hadiths reported against forced arranged marriages, there are individuals who believe that it is the only road to marriage since dating is not allowed. Arranged marriages are seen as a safeguard against pre-marital sexual as well as pre-mature emotional and physical relationships.  One reported hadith by Al-Qasim gives a particularly interesting insight into supposed arranged courtship; "Don't be afraid, for Khansa' bint Khidam was given by her father in marriage against her will, then the Prophet cancelled that marriage."  It is interesting to note that the woman, as provided in the hadith, have the right to refuse marriage without any indicated evidence for her decision. What is it that makes a woman refuse marriage to a man?  Is it simply physical appearance, a more intimate relation with another man whom she would rather marry, or the lack of knowledge and insight on the individual? In any case, it is apparent that some type of relationship must exist between a man and a woman before marriage.  It is almost impossible for two individuals to walk into a marriage blindly without the result of a divorce.  Dating provides that mean through which a potential couple can get to know one another for the betterment of their marriage.  The hadith also points out that the Prophet would not allow the marriage to succeed without the consent of both parties involved. Consent is not simply developed overnight, but rather through a gradual and rational thought process through which a strong opinion is formed.  It seems that this gradual development can be seen as a positive form of dating in it of itself.