Sorrowful Night

Sorrowful Night

I’m in pain and I don’t know where to hide this irksome feeling I’m holding for so long.  I can’t understand why I can still project a smile even I have a melancholic feeling inside me. I felt a hole in my chest and felt a sudden emptiness when I reminisce everything. Suddenly, I shed a tear. I felt it fall, but I can’t do anything about it.

 It’s windy outside. Nights like this I wish raindrops would fall to cover my tears. But it can’t, the raindrops can’t catch the feelings I have in my soul. I don’t know where to keep this sentiment I have. I can’t hold my feelings for so long. I’m full.

The truth is, I’m exasperate. I’m exasperated with everybody. Nobody likes me. Nobody wants me. Nobody cares about me. My classmates, friends and even my family, they don’t want me. Therefore, I loathe everybody. For me, the world is cruel, because the world is cruel at me.

My classmates? They are all filthy. Not on the outside, but on the inside. Their personality is filthy. They are good at pretending. Even if they don’t tell me that they are pretending, I still know. Why? I’m also a good pretender. I know how a pretender acts. The actions they show to me are all part of their pretending skills. They show me they like me. They show me I'm their friend. But the truth is, they don't like me. I am not their friend. They talk behind my back. They always tell everyone I'm bad. As if they are good. They clean their name while talking to someone just to make my name dirty. And that irritates me, a lot. That's why I don't rely on them. They are also good on making fun of me. They always love to bully me. They criticize my flaws every time. Sometimes I decide to laugh at their pranks but inside me, I’ve killed them a thousand times. Because of what they’ve done, I’ve tried to hurt myself man

y times. But who cares? Nobody cares. Even if I tried telling them, they will still don't care. Sometimes, I think of telling it to my parents but then I realize that will only make things worst! That's why I don't tell anyone my feelings. I don't tell anyone how much it hurts. I don't tell anyone how much I suffer. It will just make things worst.

        My friends? They betrayed me. Just like my classmates, they always talk behind my back. When I'm not around, I'm the topic.  I treated them as a true friend; they treat me as a backup friend. I only become their friend when they need me. At first, I thought I was so lucky because I have friends like them. But, a twist of fate occurs. Every passing day, I begin to know who they really are. Every passing day I lose a friend. They aren't really friends. They're worst than an enemy. They always say bad things behind my back. Like fudge, I don't do that thing to them. I don't betray them; I don't talk behind their back, because they're my friends. Most of all, I trusted them. But what? They took my trust for granted.  Until one day, I don't have a friend anymore. That’s the time I realize, that they are not really friends. And that hurts so badly. I learned that you couldn’t trust anyone because they will only hurt you. They will only leave you hanging. You can't have a friend in this world. Everyone is wicked. 

        My family? This is the worst part. Even my family doesn’t like me. Even my family doesn’t love me. They throw bad words at me that hurt me so bad inside. I just don't show it to them cause I don't want to look like I'm a weak person.  They don't know how many times I cried because of them. How many times I hurt myself because of them. How many times I wish to be dead. I can't forget the things that hurt me most because of them, like how they wish I were not alive. How they wish I were not their child. How they want to hurt me so bad. How they want to see me suffer. How many times they tell me that they are not proud that I am their child. How many times they compare me to anyone. They always tell me that I do nothing at house. I don't help them. But the truth is, I helped them. They just don't see. Because they are more focus on my mistakes rather than my achievements. They always prove to me that I am worthless. They always prove me I am wrong and they are always right. They always judge me. I thought they could help me with my problems because they are my family but then they are also my problem. My biggest kind of problem. They don't love me.  And the root of that is, they don't know what I feel inside. They don't know how much I love them in spite of what they treated me.  They don't know how much I suffer. They don't know how much I wanted to kill myself. They don't know my bruises in my heart because of them. They don't know much I wanted to tell them all of these. I just show them that I am happy even though I am not. I just show them I am strong even though I'm weak. I just show them I'm worth it, even though they know I'm not.  Deep inside, I want to hurt them as much as they hurt me. But I can't. They are my family. They are my strength and also my weakness. I love them but they don't love me. And that is the saddest part. Not being loved back by someone who means a lot to you. I can almost feel my heart being shattered into pieces. And I can do nothing about it. All I can do is to wait. Wait for them to love me back even if that's impossible.