The Pain I Feel When I Save Money

The Pain I Feel When I Save Money

I don't remember the first time I saved money. But I definitely remember the last time I wasted some. We all know that saving money is imperative to reach our goals in life. Since we are little kids our parents tell us all the time "save money", "think about your future". I still remember these thorny words that my mom used to tormented me with, every time I want to pleasure myself by spending some change on me, and right in that moment, is when a guilty and suffocating feeling takes over me depriving from wasting my own money. I can't even go to the store to look around without feeling remorseful for my actions. My mind always is programmed to save money regardless the situation, I feel like a piggy bank that was created with the only purpose to save, keep money and exclude myself from experiencing luxuries and comfort. But exactly what I feel when I'm putting money away?

Many of my money saving strategies and habits started when I was very young, since I had no other choice, thanks to my mother that is. I continue those strategies today, not so much because of the money I continue to save, but because I've found that these strategies also support some of the deeper values that I hold. Since I was young and moneyless I watched every penny and I learned how to cut all the excess from my budget so that I could save enough in case of an emergency, a home, and a decent car, was always in my short term list goals. Thanks to my aggressive saving and living "poor", that period of my life lasted only about seven years. I sacrificed a lot of luxuries, and discover to manage money in a whole different way, poles apart from a similar person of my age. Of course that I could have taken an easier path, I could perhaps get myself on debt and lived a fabulous existence, traveled, and had all kinds of toys, but I didn't want that. I was willing to trade a couple of years of relative hardship for a much better life down the road, but was this the right decision?

Now I'm on my late thirties, I own a house and contrary to what some people may think I'm not living "poor" anymore or so I think. For example I like conserving energy since I think Mother Nature only has limited resources which I like to preserve power for future generations; the fact that I may get a lower bill every month is just a bonus. I also tend to use things until they die and I refuse to upgrade things just because there is a newer model out there. I repudiate to waste and throw out a perfectly good TV just because that's what other people are doing, or even worse just to look cool by having the newest gadget on the street. That's not my personality and I don't think it'll ever be.

Nevertheless, once in a while I stop to breathe and meditate; I asked myself if this is what I really want or perhaps what my