Music Case

standing straight up. I suddenly liked all the things that were supposed to be unattractive and awkward about kids.

"Look what I have," he said, digging through his pocket. "I've been carrying it around everywhere because I knew that I'd eventually run into you."

He pulled out an IOU for a kiss that I'd written him once on the corner of a piece of paper. He held it up to my face and smiled at me.

"I'd like my reimbursement, s'il vous plait."

We put our arms around each other and held each other. I almost melted when I felt how small and gentle he was. I was used to men, who could toss me into bed with one hand. I pushed Xavier down onto the bed and pinned him there. He struggled, laughing, but couldn't get me off. We stayed in that strange position, enjoying each other's company.

"You know what would be so cool?" I asked.

"What?"

"If we had a little baby. We could name him Cotton; wouldn't that be the most beautiful name for a baby? I would never ever send our baby to school. I would miss him too much while he was at school. I would kiss him a hundred times a day."

All street kids wanted babies. It's a terrible kick. You should never start talking about it because once you started, you wanted that baby so bad you could almost faint. I couldn't resist, though.

"I like the name Loulou," he answered, much to my delight.

"I'd save up our money and buy our baby an electric blanket, I don't care how much money it would cost. He would never be cold."

"I'd like it if the baby had your hair. You are the prettiest girl in the whole world."

I let Xavier go and lay next to him. I reached over and touched his cheek. I liked the way his skin was so soft. Touching him felt like picking up a baby animal that you weren't supposed to handle. Because once you touched the animal it was spoiled and its mother wouldn't want to have anything to do with it.

Xavier and I leaned in and kissed each other on the lips. I gave him my most secret unconditional kiss I'd saved up for special occasions. It was like taking the glass off a framed moth and letting it fly.

Then we both closed our eyes. I kept mine closed so tightly. I felt like a negative that had been exposed to light. If I accidentally opened my eyes, then I knew we would both be destroyed somehow. I knew that Xavier was going to keep his eyes closed the whole time too.

He tickled me everywhere that he touched me. I kept laughing and he would laugh too. But then we got quiet. It was like we were hidden in a dark closet playing hide-and-seek. We buried ourselves deep down in the closet, hidden under the sweaters and warm leather shoes and slippers, and we did our business.

WHEN WE'D FINISHED MAKING LOVE, Xavier pulled his long johns back on and lay next to me with just one sock on. We hadn't said anything to each other yet because we were both feeling so perfect and quiet. He held his hands up in front of him, seemingly admiring his fingernails. We looked over at each other and smiled.

Then I felt nauseated. I rolled off the bed and ran into the bathroom to throw up. I turned on the water so that Xavier couldn't hear me. Feeling genuine emotion while on junk had made me sick to my stomach. But I felt better once I'd thrown up, and I sat on the toilet lid to make sure it had passed.

As I turned off the water, I heard the sound of the door opening and Xavier saying hello to someone. I had the feeling you have after you've slipped on the ice and your body is stuck in the air a split second before you fall. It is an awful hollow unknown feeling that smashing to the ice afterward hardly compares to. I pulled open the bathroom door and ran out into the living room. Alphonse was standing in the room, staring at Xavier. Xavier was scrambling to get his clothes on.

I thought he had a schedule. I thought that I knew this schedule. I thought that he went over to Leelee's apartment around seven o'clock. They always did that. But I had forgotten that Leelee had gone to visit her parents. All the stars in the sky had decided to change places. Someone had taken the lights from the Lite-Brite set and had rearranged them in a new pattern. I had forgotten how simple something like that could be.

Alphonse turned to me and looked me right in the eyes. It seemed like the first time that I'd ever seen Alphonse's eyes. The whites had turned yellow. He had eyes that looked like they had been crying, not for an hour but for a hundred years! His eyes were the color of water stains on drapes. They were the color of water in a puddle. They were the color that pennies would make when they left stains at the back of the porcelain sink. I couldn't believe that anybody was allowed to look at me like that. It was wrong. It made me feel as if it had eroded my heart. I felt like I had lung cancer. I felt rotten inside, like a bag of toys that someone leaves outside the Salvation Army in the rain.

Then he turned back to Xavier.

"What the fuck are you doing in my house? You have some nerve coming here. I'm