Lived in San Antonio

A year and four months ago, I lived in San Antonio, Texas. It was a warm, sunny fall day and a happy, exciting time for me. I was a single mom of two girls, Gabriella 10, Hannah 2, and twenty-two weeks pregnant with my third child. The day started out like every other day; except, my mom would attend my prenatal check- up with Hannah and I. Gabriella would be in school. I was enthusiastic with the prenatal check up because I knew two weeks later, would be the ultrasound appointment to find out the baby's gender. I never expected that my prenatal check-up would turn into a devastating one with the loss of my son, Joshua Paul.

As I undressed to take a shower before my appointment, I noticed a little brown discharge. My heart raced, I told myself not to worry because when I wiped to check for more the toilet paper was clean. I thought about telling my mom about the discharge on the way to my appointment but did not want to worry her. Arriving at the physician's office twenty minutes early, my mom said that she would stay in the waiting room with Hannah. I accompanied Veronica, the physician's nurse, to the backroom so she could take my vital signs. Then she informed me I had lost five pounds and my blood pressure was higher than normal. Veronica then asked, "How have you been since your last appointment? Do you have any concerns?" I explained to Veronica about the discharge. She told me, "It could be a sign you are going to lose your mucus plug. Do not worry because Dr. Lovell will check you out.

Meanwhile, as I waiting in the exam room alone, half dressed, fear started to grow inside me. I kept trying to ignore it, but it lingered around me and I had no idea why the fear was there. I had prenatal check ups before so why would this one be different? As I looked at the pictures of the babies Dr. Lovell delivered over the years, I rubbed my belly, thinking about how in a couple of months that would be me. Hearing a knock at the door, I knew in a few minutes I would hear the gallops of my baby's heartbeat and the anxiety would disappear. Lying on the cold, hard exam table, Dr. Lovell measured my belly. "You're measuring a little small, but it could be the fetus is lying differently," he said smiling. Squirting cold, blue jelly on the lower part of my belly, he then ran the Doppler through the jelly. I thought I heard the baby's heartbeat a couple times but Dr. Lovell would say it was the placenta.

Then Dr. Lovell decided to use the ultrasound machine, as he did at my previous check-ups, to detect the baby's heartbeat. He dispensed cold, blue jelly on my belly again. Dr. Lovell started to rub the ultrasound wand over my round belly. I smiled as I saw my baby on the monitor. Meanwhile, the expression on the physician's face changed as the words seeped out of his mouth, "I am sorry Heather, but I cannot detect a heartbeat. I am going to send you for a second