Past and Present

Born and raised in Atlanta, GA. I grow up in a dysfunctional family; I experienced commotion and pain from my family members. I have no recollection of happy childhood in I completely identify with (Bronfenbrenner's,1979) Ring theory. "The mesosystem refers to the connection of all the microsystems influencing a child. Changes in one microsystem can impact others. For example, fighting parents create distress in the home, which can influence how well children perform in school." (Bronfenbrenner, 1979).Because of this suffering I experienced, I grew up transformed, different from other children, missing important parts of essential parenting that prepare you for adulthood, missing parts of my childhood because I was forced into abnormal roles within my family. I felt internalnervousness and anger within;I didn't know why I felt this way. My innocents' or childhood life was changed hugely by forces within my family I had no control over, and now I'm adult fighter of that commotion. For many years I had to fake that nothing was wrong, but it was becoming too hard to keep doing. Growing up in dysfunction, drug infested environment with zero support system from my family. I had no role model to look up to not even a teacher, one of my teachers ridicule me in front of class. She gave me the nickname musky Roxanne.

Everyone has a role model in their life. It could be a parent, a friend, a teacher, or a sports hero. However,I didn't have any positive role models growing up. I had nobody to guide me about the ways of life, teach me values, encourage beliefs, build my character or empowermy life skills. As a child, I watched my mother and step father argue about the littlest things and physically fight with each other. My mom was on crack really bad. When she got high on drugs she made me feel like I was nobody; she hurt me so bad my nose was bleeding and made be stand in the corner. She couldn't stand the sight of me because I reminded her so much of my father. My mother treated me and the rest of my family based upon her frame of mind which was based upon her being high or not. If she didn't get her drugs she became violent and would beat me. Watching my mother change and reject me made me so miserable. Months later my uncle started to sexually abuse me. I tried to tell my mother what's was going on but she was so consume into her drugs, that she told me I was lying. "Freud believed that the mindtries to protect itself from frustration and severe distress such as war, rape, death, and so on.He believed that we have several techniques for this, which he called defensemechanisms"(Corsini, 1994, p. 390).I dealt with the whole thing by blocking out realism andpretending that everything was fine which my defense mechanisms to co-exist with pre-existing deep rooted scares.

I accept that there's nothing I can do to change the past. I did the best I could. If I were to go back, I couldn't do anything in a different way;it's done. I learn to let go of my past. I removed my most mentally innermost road-block; I became aware of the things that were really holding me back and then tackle them by finding a resolution.I meditate daily. It helped clear my mind of the negative babble and concentrate on how I can grow from the pain I had endured. I look to the positive parts of moving on, allowing myself to let go of the past opens up room for better things to come into my life.I am a strong believer that we control our destiny. Sometimes, however, we have to realize that we cannot control everything that goes on.I reflected that in every circumstance that I have been in, one thing is spot-on. I was present! I am the single element that is current in everything in my life. I surround myself around positive people who influence and encourage